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FUNNIES
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Airplane Ride |
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred
would say, Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years
old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say
one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over
again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot calls over his shoulder, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten
dollars is ten dollars! |
White Lie Church Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this - especially
all
of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group
bake
sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She
remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in the back of her
kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing
and
helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake
from the oven the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly
disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her
new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being
inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able
to handle all things at all times or that, God forbid, she not be
participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it
in
and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before
she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice
woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions
to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that
cake
and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive
perfect cake had already been sold. Now there could be no way to bring
it
home and keep the secret.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself. Everyone would know. What
would they think?
"Oh, my goodness; what shall I ever do?" she wailed! She would be
ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. She would have to move or kill
herself!
All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their
fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think
about
the cake and she would attend a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home
of
a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really
want
to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked
down
her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa but having
already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The
meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South....
and
to Alice's horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake; she
started
to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all
about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,
"What
a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate what words she
would
use to explain the situation, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "There is a God".
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Snoring
Some retired
deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they
decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The
first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night." The next night it was a different deputy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "That
Daryl shakes the roof. I sat & watched him all night." The third night
was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly ex-football player; a man's man
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed, with
a cheerful "Good Morning!" They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man,
what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
Daryl into bed and kissed him good night..... He sat up and watched me
all night." |
A young boy had
just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, a
preacher, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks
they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real
proud You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study
groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair
cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible
that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?"...
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When
I took "early retirement"
It is important for men to remember, that
as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I
handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement"
last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both
for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly
after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the Golf Course
about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or
so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to
take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked
grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table
for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her
to get them done before she goes to bed.
I really think my experience as a teacher
helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do; it's one
of my strong points...
Now that she has gotten older, she does seem
to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the
basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those
steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but
unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or
to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some
of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...
Also, if I had a really good day on the
course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean
them, you know get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on
the club faces at a casual pace.
My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the
trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy
stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened
during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me; she can put them
back in the trunk when she 's finished.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I
think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take
em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't
have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think
she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only
half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making
one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her
break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in
the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find
it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little
more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are
put on this earth to help each other...
Signed, Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday
February 3rd. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha
Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her
defense that he accidentally sat on it, and died.
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Chicken Little |
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The mind
of a six-year old is wonderful. First grade...True story.
One day
the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the
farmer.
She read,
".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The
sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The
teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer
said?"
One little
girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow!
A talking
chicken!'"
The
teacher was unable to teach for 10 minutes.
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The Parrot |
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A young
man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude
and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally
Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon
shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in
desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.
For a few
minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly
there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the
parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot
calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe I may
have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely
remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do
everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".
Jon was
stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the
parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the
bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"
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Bumper Stickers for Ladies |
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SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
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GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
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COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
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DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
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I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
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WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
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OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
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DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
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ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
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HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
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DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
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IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
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DID YOU EVER WONDER ...WHAT THE GRANDKIDS SEE? |
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After
Christmas Break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent the
holiday. One little boy's reply went like this:
We always
spend Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big
brick house, but Grandpa retarded and they moved to Arizona. They live
in a park with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in tin
huts. They ride tricycles that are too big for me. They all go to a
building they called the wrecked hail, but it is fixed now.
They do
exercises, but not very well. They play a game with big checkers and
push them around with sticks. There is a swimming pool but I guess
nobody teaches them. They just stand there in the water with their hats
on.
My Grandma
used to bake cookies for me, but nobody cooks there. They all go to
restaurants that are fast and have discounts.
When you
come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He
watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. I guess
everybody forgets who they are, because they all wear badges with their
names on them.
Grandma
says that Grandpa worked hard all his life to earn his retardment. I
wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house
won't let them out.
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BAD MOMMY |
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What she
needs is discipline-time out, no no phone. And she needs it now.
I've finally
figured out this discipline business. Time-out, positive reinforcement,
grounding, no telephone privileges, no TV, early bedtime. . . they all
work. The problem is that parents have been disciplining the wrong
people- their kids instead of themselves.
Here's the scene: The 5-year-old stuffs sunflower seeds up the cat's
nose, and what does he get?
"Five minutes in time-out!" Mom shrieks as she falls on the
cat and checks for a pulse. The 5-year-old slinks away for five minutes
of peace and quiet. He curls up with Thomas the Tank Engine and konks.
Mom, meanwhile, administers mouth-to-fang resuscitation to a stray. Who
deserves five minutes in time-out?
Parenting experts recommend one minute of time-out per year of child.
According to that formula, I deserve 39 minutes of time-out. Next time
my kids act up, I want the punishment. All 39 minutes of it.
Here are some
more punishments I deserve.
No telephone. I fantasize about a day without telephone interruptions.
No one could offer to send free burial plot information, free books to
review, free aluminum siding estimates or free family portrait coupons.
No kid could call and whine about forgetting his lunch money. "And
I'm so starving I could eat a rat, Mom. Please, you've got to bring my
money."
No TV. Every oddball in America has already been interviewed by Oprah or
Donahue. As for the exercise shows, what's so great about thighs of
steel, anyway? Seems like they'd be pretty heavy to drag around.
Early bedtime. I know some mothers who would stick sunflower seeds up
their own noses if they could be guaranteed an early bedtime.
Grounding.
Wow, I'd have to park the taxi van in the garage and ignore requests for
rides to the mall, birthday parties, guitar lessons and the discount
store to buy felt scraps for art class, then back again to get the
embroidery thread to go with it.
Positive reinforcement. I can only imagine this comment, "Swell job
you did with this beef noodle stuff, Mom. We sure do love your
cuisine."
The more I
think about discipline, the more I realize my kids absolutely don't need
it.
I do.
Marti
Attoun, mother of three, is a newspaper columnist and free-lance writer
living in Joplin, Mo.
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Church Gossip |
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...........and left it there all night.
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THE WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS |
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile..... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called
home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After
reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 Jan 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ARIZONA IN JULY WHEN... |
- The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- The trees are whistling for the dogs.
- The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
- Hot water now comes out of both taps.
- You can make sun tea instantly.
- You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
- The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
- You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
- You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
- Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
- You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
- The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
- The cows are giving evaporated milk.
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The Brain |
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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By
clicking on a flag you can translate this site into 8 different
languages, no files will be translated, just the text on each
page. The translation is not all that great, but it will give
you a general idea! Thanks |
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"Choose
you this day
whom ye will
serve
but for me
and my
house we will
serve the Lord "
