LDS Funnies and Stories

• The 9th Ward Cartoons

• Zion's Member Services

• Don't You Know How Much I Care?

• J. Golden Kimball Missionary Story

• Utah Census Form

• Update on Utah Census

• "What if the Book of Mormon had been written by Dr. Seuss?"

• The Girl in a Whirl by ~Dr. SuessT

J. Golden Kimball Missionary Story

The Rev. Charles A. Weatherbee was a popular Baptist minister who went throughout the Deep South spreading lies about the Mormons.

Golden encountered him as a young elder in Memphis, Tennessee. He and his companion were walking down the street, and coming from the other direction was Rev. Weatherbee. Golden nudged his companion, "Isn't that the man who preaches against us?" His companion said, "Yes, that's him."

As Weatherbee got nearer, he recognized the two ragtag young men in ill-fitting suits carrying valises as Mormon elders. Righteous wrath suddenly darkened the minister's features. "Good morning, you sons of the Devil!" he growled.

Golden doffed his hat politely and said, "Good morning, father!" (J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 18-19).

 

ZION'S MEMBER SERVICES

Home teaching getting you down? We care when you don't have time to. Can't get that annoying Priesthood Leader off your back? Home Teaching interfering with your TV and Golf ? We can help!
At Zion's Member Service, we'll do your Home Teaching for you. For a small monetary fee, We will send one of our trained representatives to the homes of your families.
Basic Visit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .....$10
Basic Visit plus Spiritual Message . . . . ..$15
Birthday and Anniversary cards in addition to the
Basic Visit and Spiritual Message............$20
Is $20 too much to pay for peace of mind?
Call us at 1-777-752-2537.
That's 1-777-Slacker.
PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.
ADDITIONAL SERVICES:
Meetings: We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back:
Ward Council Meeting....................$30
Ward Council Meeting w/ written report....$50
Presidency Meetings.....................$20
PEC.........................................$25
Sacrament Meeting........................$20
Sunday School............................$20
Priesthood................................$20
3-hour Sunday Block (best value).......$50
(Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings)
Talks and Lessons (Young Women's too):
Did a Bishopric member call and assign you a talk?
Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson?
Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons.
No need to spend countless hours pouring through books, writing and praying. We'll do it for you!
Basic Talk (any subject assigned)..............$20
Scripture Talk (basic + 5 scriptures...........$30
Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes)...$40
All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes. Add $1 for each additional minute.
Basic Lesson (40 minutes).................$25
Deluxe (Basic + visual aides..............$35
Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts).........$45
(Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.
Due to lower expectations, priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount).
Introducing our Bundle Buys and frequent shopper plan.
Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20%discount.
Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.
Last but not least... Our Casserole Service! If you just can't possibly throw together food for various Ward occasions, WE CAN! Our basic services include:
Funeral Potatoes
Green Bean/Mushroom Soup and Crunchy Onions
Orange Jello with Carrots
Spinach Dip in a Bread Bowl
Cheez Wiz/ TaterTot Surprise!
They are made from exact recipes using the authentic ingredients taken from Ward Cook Books around the world! All for only $15 plus deposit.
Each delivered to your house with Corning ware marked with your name!
They'll never know you didn't make 'em!
Here you have it! We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel, just for you.
Remember our number, 1-777-S-L-A-C-K-E-R

Don't you Know How Much I Care?

The day is over, you are driving home. You tune in your radio. You hear a little blurb about a little village in India where some villagers have died suddenly, strangely, of a flu that has never been seen before. It's not influenza, but three or four people are dead, and it's kind of interesting, and they're sending some doctors over there to investigate it.
You don't think much about it, but on Sunday, coming home from church, you hear another radio spot. Only they say it's not three villagers, it's 30,000 villagers in the back hills of this particular area of India, and it's on TV that night. CNN runs a little blurb; people are heading there from the disease center in Atlanta because this disease strain has never been seen before.
By Monday morning when you get up, it's the lead story. For it's not just India; it's Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, and before you know it, you're hearing this story everywhere and they have coined it now as "the mystery flu." The President has made some comment that he and everyone are praying and hoping that all will go well over there. But everyone is wondering, How are we going to contain it?
That's when the President of France makes an announcement that shocks Europe. He is closing their borders. No flights from India, Pakistan, or any of the countries where this thing has been seen. And that's why that night you are watching a little bit of CNN before going to bed. Your jaw hits your chest when a weeping woman is translated from a French news program into English: There's a man lying in a hospital in Paris dying of the mystery flu. It has come to Europe. Panic strikes.
As best they can tell, once you get it, you have it for a week before you know it. Then you have four days of unbelievable symptoms. And then you die.
Britain closes it's borders, but it's too late. South Hampton, Liverpool, North Hampton, and it's Tuesday morning when the President of the United States makes the following announcement: "Due to a national security risk, all flights to and from Europe and Asia have been canceled. If your loved ones are overseas, I'm sorry. They cannot come back until we find a cure for this thing,"
Within four days our nation has been plunged into an unbelievable fear. People are selling little masks for your face. People are talking about "What if it comes to this country," and preachers on Tuesday are saying, "it's the scourge of God." It's Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody runs in from the parking lot and says, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio." And while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to it, the announcement is made: "Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital dying from the mystery flu."
Within hours it seems, this thing just sweeps across the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote. Nothing is working. California, Oregon, Arizona, Florida, Massachusetts. It's as though it's just sweeping in from the borders.
And then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the Midwest, through all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one simple thing: Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken. That's all we ask of you. When you hear the sirens go off in your neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the hospitals.
Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night, there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking lot and if we call your name, you can be
dismissed and go home."
You stand around, scared, with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is going on and if this is the end of the world.
Suddenly a young man comes running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says, "Daddy, that's me." Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. Wait a minute. Hold on! And they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure
he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type." Five tense minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another - some are even laughing. It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect. It's clean, it is
pure, and we can make the vaccine."
As the word begins to spread all across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and laughing and crying. But then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and you wife aside and says, "May we see you for a moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we need...we need you to sign a consent form."
You begin to sign and then you see that the number of pints of blood to be taken is empty. "H-how many pints?"
And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he says, "We had no idea it would be a little child. We weren't prepared. We need it all!" "But-but...You don't understand."
"We are talking about the world here. Please sign. We-we need it all!"
"But can't you give him a transfusion?"
"If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you sign?" In numb silence, you do. Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with him before we begin?" Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?" Can you take his hands and say, "Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything, happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?"
And when that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've - we've got to get started. People all over the world are dying." Can you leave?
Can you walk out while he is saying, "Dad? Mom? Dad? Why - why have you forsaken me?"
And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son, and some folks sleep through it, and some folks don't even come because they go to the lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care. Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED FOR YOU! DON'T YOU CARE?"
Is that what GOD wants to say? "MY SON DIED FOR YOU. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH I CARE?"
"Father, seeing it from your eyes breaks our hearts. Maybe now we can begin to comprehend the great Love you have for us."

Utah Census Form

1.
(Given name)
 
2.
(SURNAME)
 
3. Descendant of:
A. Adam and Eve _____
B. Cain and Abel _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Laurel and Hardy _____
 
4. Tribe: _________
 
5. Number of occupants residing in home in each
category: (Listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's ______
E. Young Men's ______
F. Relief Society ________
G. Elder _______
H. Dearly Departed ______
I. High Priest ________
 
6. Occupation:
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____
 
7. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
F. Mission Bicycle _____
 
8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam's All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____
 
9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite_____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____
 
10. Which of the following do you bring to church (check all that apply): A. Scriptures ____ B. Daytimer _____ C. Pen/Pencil _____ D. Lifesavers _____ E. Tic Tacs _____ F. Game Boy _____ G. Big Gulp _____ H. Cooler _____ I. Sony Walkman _____ J. TV Watch _____ K. Palm PDA _____ L. All of the above _____
 
11. Do you prepare your lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of
Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of
the class you're teaching _____
H. Just wing it ______
 
12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped
with Big Gulp holders: yes___ no ____
 
13. How many years has your family sat in (or close to) the to same place for Sacrament Meeting: A. 10-20 years ______ B. 20-30 years _____ C. 30-40 years _____ D. Over 3 generations _____
 
14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep
during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____
 
16. How much time does it take for your wife to jab you awake with her elbow after the high councilman puts you to sleep? A. 15 minutes _____ B. 15 seconds _____ C. 1.5 seconds ______ D. She leaves you sleeping after the congregation has left _____
 
15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting
teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______
E. 1st (For the previous month) ______
 
16. How many church basketball fights were you in last
year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____
E. None (you've already repented) _____
 
17. Which of the following has been your most
effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
D. Monday Night Football _____
 
18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Jell-O salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants_____
 
19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you
own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____
E. Why fill them with water?____
 
20. Which of the following do you feel is the most
secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries
 
21. How many structural engineers do you hire annually
to insure you'll win the pinewood derby: _________ (I do my own
engineering)
 
22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of
the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually =
____ (I eat all of the chocolate I see)
B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually =
____ (I'd rather drink Nyquil)
 
23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second
Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which
would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____
C. The second coming will be at the BYU / U of U football game.

Updated Mormon Census:

1.If you had to choose one, which one would you choose?

a.To be called as Nursery Leader

 b.To be called as YW Camp Director

c.To be called as Den Leader

d.To parachute without a chute

2.Which do you consider to be the "most appropriate" reason for going into debt?

a.To purchase a home

b.To fund your education

c.To be ahead of everyone else on the latest in scrapbooking materials

3.If studies found that prayer burned calories, would you pray more often?

a.Yes

b.No

4.How many prayers would it take for you to lose your specific amount of excess weight?

a.1 week

b.1 month

c.1 year

5.Do you believe that VISA and MasterCArd should be accepted at tithing settlement?

a.Yes

b.No

6.If the tabernacle seats 6,000 people, how many people can the tabernacle really seat?

a.10,000

b.15,000

c.20,000

7.Does singing, "Families Can Be Together Forever" bring:

a.A tear to your eye

b.A tingling sensation all over

c.A feeling of nausea

d.A reminder to call your therapist

8.(For Women Only) If the Law of Consecration were immediately put into action, which would be more difficult to give up:

a.your husband

b.your chocolate

9.(For men only) If the Law of Consecration were immediately put into action, which would be more difficult to give up?

a.Your wife

b.Your television set

10.Which of the following best describes your Family Home Evenings?

a.A zoo

b.An insane asylum

c.A boxing ring

d.A sleep disorder clinic

e.A morgue

11.Please define: The Cultural Hall is:

a.An area set aside for honoring countless special occasions

b.A large room where people (sometimes for all over the world) can gather.

c.An over-packed hall where members boo and throw things at basketball games.

12.If forced, which question would you most prefer to answer in Sunday School class:

a.What is the most grievous sin you've ever committed

b.Please name and explain the twelve tribes of Israel

13.Which family do you hope makes it to the Celestial Kingdom first:

a.Adam's family

b.Moses' family

c.Lehi's family

d.The Steed Family

14.Should "Members Without Pioneer Heritage" be allowed to establish a support group:

a.Yes

b.No

15.Do you believe all boys attending Scout Camp should be required to wear "safe return" bracelets:

a.Yes

b.No

16.Consider the following: Your toddler wakes up with a 102 degree fever, runny nose and a hacking cough. Do you:

a.Give our child medication before you put your child in the nursery

b.Give your child medication after you put your child in the nursery

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